Difficult.
Defensive.
Different.
Intimidating.
All words that at one point I thought were character flaws. I had heard these words so much about myself from other people, always in a negative light, so I assumed they had to be things I needed to work on.
The problem was that I never quite understood what I was working on. When I started asking and listening to what people meant, it didn't seem negative at all. Difficult became - not a pushover, assertive, relentless. Defensive became - fights for what she believes in, stands up for her friends and family. Different became - against expectations, not on society's terms. Intimidating became - masculine, demanding.
I have had two vastly different career paths in my life. First, I was a corporate lawyer and then I escaped to be a business owner and coach. Both paths were extremely male dominant. There were not a lot of acts to follow on what it meant to be a woman in those fields. The fields themselves were defined by the men who had led the way before me and what it meant to be a woman in those fields was equally defined by them. I found myself navigating trying to fit in with the men - being demanding and assertive - but it just led me to be labeled as intimidating or difficult.
And the truth is, that isn't how I want to define who I am anyway. I don't want to fall into a neatly defined (by someone else) box. Or be someone that I am not to make other people feel comfortable. You would think that when I branched out to start my business with Ashley that things changed, that we defined our business only in terms of ourselves. But, that's not how it went initially. We were coaches in a travel ball scheme - dictated by men, we owned a sports facility and a small business - dictated again by men. We had to figure out how to navigate both as women. Both spaces celebrated constant work. No weekends off. No downtime. Always on. Always available. Passion was to be displayed in constant doing. The problem was that didn't work for us. Not because we were women, but because that wasn't the path we envisioned for our lives and our families. We had to redefine for ourselves what our business and its values were going to be, and what we came to realize is that was only about the community we had built and not some pre-existing definition or some desire to fight competition by looking as close to the competition as possible.
For me, realizing this was freedom. It is still hard not to define myself only in terms of comparison or expectations. I find myself feeling guilty when I am not working enough, doing enough. But, I remind myself that I am defined by my inner circle and I am in charge of who is in that inner circle. And that is it.
When someone asks me why I feel so passionate about S2 Breakthrough, it's never about softball. I feel like it's my vehicle to show young girls how to become whatever woman they want to be. Softball allows them a space to do that. The only way to do that is by showing them that you can define yourself however you want. At S2, we do that by giving them a player development platform. Be the player you want to be. Outside of softball, I want to do that by showing them examples of women being the women they want to be.
She's difficult, defensive, different, and intimidating. Thank you! I am all of that and more. :)